I heard a story for the second time yesterday about following peace. At first, I didn’t recall that I had heard this story before. Obviously I needed to hear it again. To protect those that may not want to be named, I’ll spare the full details of the story. But ultimately, the message is follow peace.
What does that mean? The first time I heard the story I was quickly able to pinpoint the decision I was facing and which one was right – which one would bring peace. It became much more obvious and blossomed in front of me and I was able to move forward. I was at peace.
This time; however, I’m finding complexity in the answer. What once brought me near instant resolve has me now questioning the very fabric of what makes up my life. Am I at peace? Am I following peace? Do I know what peace is in regard to this situation? No. I don’t. But I do know that I am not at peace and I am not following peace. Which, strangely enough, is a step ahead of yesterday. Or maybe it’s behind, as at least yesterday I was delusional.
I remember a time when I used to hear people say “Ignorance is bliss” and I would wonder how that could be true. Looking back, I was clearly the ignorant, because now I understand the bliss that is lost. If only I didn’t know… Clearly that is not the way I really want to live my life but there is that bittersweet taste left behind when the ignorance of a situation, a friend, a job, a life, whatever it is, washes away. Is the best path to salvage and correct, polish and fix. Or is it walking away.
What methods do you use to determine the best path? Well in the words of the Cheshire Cat I leave you with the thought – that if you don’t know where you’re going, any road will get you there.
Today we write. We write for freedom and for love. We write for the song that’s buried in our soul. We write for our mothers and our fathers, sisters and brothers. We write to be forced to turn off the touch pad that becomes a nuisance. We write for our aching bodies and bleeding hearts. We write because we can. We write because we’re alive.
It never felt so good to be in a place like this. Chasing a dream, ending up in a better place than you had aimed for. I look around me and all I see is love. I see manifestation of the possible. I see focus and drive. I see me.
What do you see?
It’s time for NaNoWriMo to begin in less than 24 hours. For the first time I will participate. Not only will I participate but I will throw myself into this in unimaginable ways. Ways that I cannot yet tell you about because, well, they are unimaginable.
I’m posting this mini blog for self inspiration. For a reminder of my commitment. For the thought of public humiliation as a muse for days where writing will feel like a curse. I’m also posting this for you, members of the blogiverse; readers and writers alike. What challenge can you or will you take on and conquer during the month of November? 30 days makes a habit. Let’s form new ones together.
I’ll end this one with my favorite quote from the NaNoWriMo team, “In November, embrace imperfection and see where it takes you.”
I want nothing to do with the life that involved you. I’ll take the furniture I bought. The kids we had. The stories, remembered more fondly than they were earned. But as for the house, the town, the job, and the majority of the friends, I’ll leave them all behind. Surgically removed like a tumor. Exacting my revenge on your misery I take the treat of rebuilding a new life. One where you are all but forgotten. I know you feel me erasing you too. You show it with the hesitation in your voice every time you speak to me. Knowing that you willingly gave up all that you had and yet still unsure exactly what for. Is it better now? I wonder sometimes but it’s a fleeting thought at best these days. Then again I never really knew what “it” was anyway.
The road before me is paved with golden sunlight, a multitude of flowers in full bloom. Nearly any road before you looks like a blessing when you’ve wandered forth from the pits of hell. Subjected to fire and evil by those sworn to love you. Love isn’t something I’ve given up on. It is something that is always present, forever around me, and true. No I will never give up on love. But I did give up on you.
But you gave up on me first. Ultimately that singular fact is what gave me the power to walk away. To remove myself from the toxic poison that you heaved upon my chest. To see light. To see opportunity. To see me. The me that is still reeling, tiptoeing across the surface of my life seeing the depth below the frozen water ready to plunge but afraid to die, again. Not literally of course. Perhaps all humans die a thousand deaths before they take their last breath. Each death bringing new life. My obsession with the Phoenix, explained. Plain. Black and White.
For a person of so many absolutes I’m always coming up with varied shades of grey. Pantone effect. It’s the place that bleeds in between the absolutes where I find life. That yin and yang. What were you to me anyway? A lesson learned? A deeper look into what could be? A stain to give me appreciation for the unscathed? No. Too cliché. You were… everything I couldn’t ever be. Or at least that’s what I used to think. Sick, sad, beautiful and true. Even if truth was something I could never get from you. At least you taught me how to lie. Too bad the only person I ever lied to was you. Karma.