An Excerpt From An Untitled Work

Almost two months ago I set off on a journey to write a book in 30 days. I did not complete the bull-riding-400challenge, but I worked at it, enjoyed it, and learned a lot.

You know it’s crazy that I learned little things, some I already knew that were driven home while others were completely “aha” moments. I think NanoWrimo; even though I wasn’t a winner, was a huge personal success. I did something I was literally terrified of doing. And that’s awesome.

Without further ado I give you, another excerpt from this project:

She smiles and her soft brown hair cascades down her shoulders and she looks at me, sweet. Johnny, hating your father until the end of eternity won’t bring me back either. It’s not what I want her to say. I want her to tell me that he should burn. He should have died instead of her. Instead she tells me that love is what created me and that if I’d let that love in, I’d be more like her than him.

The tears start to swell up under my eyes and before I can stop it I’m crying. Denying aloud that I’m anything like that beast, the murderer. The evil bastard incarcerated the majority of my life. As my anger swells she’s smiles and looks at me, asks me why I can’t open my eyes and see.

And I do exactly that. I open my eyes and scream as fistfuls of grass and clods of dirt come out in my hands. Pounding at the ground, terrified by her betrayal. I wanted her to tell me that it was ok, that I could go on hating and it wouldn’t do a thing to me and that he deserved whatever punishment he got, guilty or not.

What? Guilty or not? Where did that come from? Crazy thoughts, I just can’t think straight because there’s too much to face. I throw the grass and run. Tears streaming down my face, I swipe at them with my sleeves and fumble for the keys. Unlocking the door and bolting myself inside.

Pounding the steering wheel I feel like someone’s just unleashed a bull and the site isn’t going to be pretty. Push to start, crank the music, pull away from the cemetery like I’ve just seen a ghost. But I have. And she’ll never stop following me.

The sounds of my visit trail behind me with a little Chevelle pouring out the windows with bass blowing intensity.

“…Lawful, vengeful, awful, friendship, misfits
Bits of feelings, thieving, fits inside revealing
Time to censor, censor, realize
Censor, Censor, no friend of mine…”
Chevelle, Same Old Trip

p.s. the picture included with this posting is an accurate depiction of how i felt through much of this experience 🙂

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Bucket List Experiment & 2012 Summary

A few years ago I started playing with the idea of making bucket lists instead of resolutions.  Somewhere along the way I heard something about focusing on the positive and one New Year tied that to how resolutions never made me feel very good.  I had stopped making them years before because I had faced the fact I was never going to actually do any of them.

My first annual bucket list was a meager attempt.  I was a bit frightened by the idea, how big should I go?  I didn’t want to put down everything I could do in a lifetime just some things I could realistically accomplish that year – finances and everything being part of the equation.  It was clear I wasn’t going to do a world tour.  But it was a success and it made me happy.  I looked forward to little things on my list that were scheduled and those that I did on a whim.

As I prepare for 2013 I’ve been taking a hard look at my life.  What brings me joy?  Some of those things are really obvious and others not so much.  Sometimes you don’t know what those things are until you do them.  Last year I had a friend participate (you know who you are) because he thought the idea was cool and I loved hearing about the things that he did that were on the list.  This year I’ve decided to invite people into the annual bucket list journey with me.

So to kick this off I’m going to share some of the items from last years list (some of them are private as I’m sure some of yours would be too).  If you feel inspired to make a list and join me, message me, post in the comments, or do whatever you feel like.  I’m not big on rules. Last but not least – and this isn’t as cheesy as it sounds – I just want us all to have the coolest year we can think of.  And make it more awesome as we go.

2012 Bucket List

  • Meet James’s family
  • Take Rhy to the West Coast and really experience Seattle, 6 year old style
  • Make stronger connections with my family
  • Appreciate what I have, consciously
  • Take control of my financial future – invest more, invest better
  • Do more yoga
  • Buy a new family car (I almost didn’t think this was going to happen, but it did!)
  • Buy Darian’s first car (hadn’t planned on the second but we did that too… lol)
  • Uncover the allergy mystery (yes we all knew i was allergic to a lot of stuff but i cannot tell you how much different life is when you actually know what sets you off)
  • Give, give a lot.  Give randomly.  Give whenever you can and whenever you feel it’s the right thing to do no matter how any body looks at you.
  • Go to the beach, even if it’s cold
  • Meditate
  • Make one new fruit preserve (strawberry!)
  • Bake and share – i’d say the stuffed cupcake experiment that came out of this was a TON of fun for everyone!
  • Move to a HOME
  • Take all my vacation time (and I used it well too!)

And one of the coolest things I did this year that I hadn’t planned – I got my level 1 Reiki certification and made some wonderful new friends in the process.  It came out of some of the other activities on the list and is a wonderful addition to my life and my happiness.

I will be posting my public list shortly after the start of the new year.  I look forward to hearing about the things that make you happy too.